See Also: ABSURDITY, DIFFICULTY, FUTILITY, OPPORTUNITY

1. About as much chance as a man with a wooden leg in a forest fire —George Broadhurst
2. About as possible as hell freezing over —Clifford Odets
3. As feasible as capturing the rain in a thimble —Jonathan Kellerman
4. As likely as a mouse falling in love with a cat —Anon
5. As likely as a talk by Doctor Ruth [Dr. Ruth Westheimer, sex therapist/media personality] in a fundamentalist church —Elyse Sommer
6. As likely as to see a hog fly —H. G. Bohn’s Handbook of Proverbs
7. As likely to happen as hair growing on the palm of my hand —Anon
8. (Anything of a sexual sort seemed) as remote as landing on the moon or applying for French citizenship —Kingsley Amis
9. As unlikely as your car metamorphosing into a rocket ship —Elyse Sommer
10. Calling on [emotional] memory for so long a leap was like asking power of a machine wrecked by rust —Wilbur Daniel Steele
11. Getting him to join (the Federal Witness Program) was like getting the Ayatollah Khomenei to enroll in a rabbinical school —Doug Feiden
12. Has about as much chance as a cootie on Fifth Avenue —Maxwell Anderson/Laurence Stallings
13. Has about as much chance of making it into the history books as a fart in a cyclone [about fictional President] —Peter Benchley
14. Have about as much chance as a woodpecker making a nest in a concrete telephone pole —Anon sports writer, about a bad baseball team
15. Have about as much chance as a dishfaced chimpanzee in a beauty contest —Arthur Baer

    Bear’s simile was part of a comment about the 1919 Willard-Dempsey fight.

16. Impossible … like pushing a wet noodle up a hill —Anon Washington aide, Wall Street Journal, July 3, 1987

    The aide made this comparison to illustrate the difficulty of trying to attract attention to economic issues and away from the Iran-Contra scandal.

17. Impossible as expecting a hook to hold soft cheese —Anon
18. Impossible as it would be to fire a joke from a cannon —Bartlett’s Dictionary of Americanisms
19. Impossible as putting the genie back in the bottle —Peter Jennings, commenting on “World News Tonight” about trying to undo damage to Gary Hart’s presidential campaign after release of story about his private life, May 7, 1987
20. Impossible as scratching your ear with your elbow —American colloquialism, attributed to Southwest
21. Impossible as setting a hen one morning and having chicken salad for lunch —George Humphrey

    A comment on quick economic changes during Humphrey’s tenure as Secretary of the United States Treasury.

22. Impossible as to imagine a man without a head —Francisque Sarcey
23. Impossible as to pull hair from a bald man’s head —Anon
24. Impossible as to rivet a nail in a custard pie —Anon
25. Impossible as to straighten a dog’s tail —Anon
26. Impossible as trying to put on a laughter exhibition in a morgue —J. B. Priestly
27. Impossible as trying to blow and swallow at the same time —German proverb

    Another example of usage turning a proverbial statement, “You can’t blow and swallow at the same time,” into a proverbial comparison.

28. Impossible as undressing a naked man —Anon

    Another simile with proverbial origins, in this case the Greek proverb “A thousand men cannot undress a naked man.”

29. Impossible as voting “maybe” —Maurine Neuberger

    Transposed from “Many times I wished I could vote ‘maybe’.”

30. Impossible … like compressing the waters of a lake into a tight, hard ball —Vita Sackville-West
31. Impossible … like denying a champion fighter the right to compete in the ring on the grounds that he might be hurt —Beryl Markham
32. Impossible … like eating chalk or trying to suck sweetness out of paving brick, or being drowned in an ocean of dishwater, or forced to gorge oneself on boiled unseasoned spinach —Thomas Wolfe

    Wolfe’s writing tended towards excess. Not surprisingly, he tended to string several similes together.

33. Impossible … like looking for a grain of rice in a bundle of straw —Dominique Lapierre
34. Impossible … like me trying to wash the Empire State building with a bar of soap —Don Rickles

    The impossible situation described by Rickles is singer Eddie Fisher’s ill-fated marriage to Elizabeth Taylor.

35. Impossible … like playing tennis with the net down —Robert B. Parker
36. Impossible … like selling the cow and expecting to have the milk too —Danish proverb

    Transposed from the proverbial form, “You can’t expect to sell the cow and get the blood.”

37. Impossible … like stopping a runaway horse with your pinkie —William Mcllvanney
38. Impossible, like trying to get blood out of a turnip —English proverb

    Efforts to get new blood out of this cliche focus on changing the object from which to extract blood … anything from a stone to a corpse.

39. Impossible like trying to make cheesecake out of snow —Anon
40. Impossible like trying to write on a typewriter while riding a stagecoach —Dr. Ellington Darden
41. Impossible like trying to knock down the Great Wall with a nail file —Arty Shaw
42. Impossible [to keep a secret from my wife] like trying to sneak the dawn past the rooster —Fred Allen
43. Impossible to explain … like telling a religious household you had decided God was nonsense —Harvey Swados
44. It [a hard-to-beat record] was like DiMaggio’s consecutive-game hitting streak: unapproachable —T. Coraghessan Boyle
45. It was like talking to a tree and expecting a reply —Clive Cussler
46. It was like trying to catch an eagle in a butterfly net —Wallace Turner, New York Times, February 4, 1987, reporting on efforts by Washington State game wardens to capture the large sea lions which had been destroying game fish.
47. It was like trying to write a description of how to tie shoelaces in a bow for a person who has never seen shoes —W. P. Kinsella
48. It [changing person’s mind about another] was like trying to turn a mule —H. E. Bates
49. It [trying to sift through events from the past] was not unlike hunting for odd-colored stones in tidal flats —Norman Mailer
50. (Blackmailing Laidlow would be) like trying to catch a bull with a butterfly net —William Mcllvanney
51. No more chance than a one-legged man in a football game —Elbert Hubbard
52. No more possible than the development of an orchid in the middle of a crowded street —W. H. Mallock
53. No more than chance than a motorist who passed a red light talking a policeman out of giving him a ticket —Anon
54. The odds were like poison —Tim O’Brien
55. To translate this situation to reality would be like trying to stuff a cloud in a suitcase —W. P. Kinsella
56. Trying to make the company [GM] competitive is like trying to teach an elephant to tap dance —Ross Perot, quoted in Wall Street Journal article by George Melloan, February 24, 1987
57. Unlikely as to see a stone statue walking —Anon