See Also: FUTILITY, NECESSITY

1. As much use as a life preserver to a duck —Anon
2. Effective as a bullet —Edgar Saltus
3. Effective as an umbrella in a hurricane —Anon
4. Effective as bailing out a boat with a sieve —Anon
5. Effective as chicken soup. It can’t hurt —Anon
6. Effective as dousing a fire with a dixie cup full of water —Anon
7. Effective as fixing a broken leg with a bandaid —Anon
8. Feel like an old clerk on a high stool —Wilfrid Sheed
9. Handy as a pocket in a shirt —Bartlett’s Dictionary of Americanisms
10. Helpful as a bathing suit in a blizzard —Ed McBain
11. (The information was probably as) helpful as a wooden compass —William Mcllvanney
12. Helpful as throwing a drowning man both ends of a rope —Arthur Baer
13. Ineffective as breaking into a bank vault and taking a bag of pennies —Anon
14. Ineffective like putting the steak on the fire and the skillet on top of the steak —Norman Mailer
15. Ineffective, like sending flies in pursuit of fly paper —Elliot Janeway, Barron’s, January 20, 1986
16. (Lonely and) ineffectual as two left-handed gloves —Helen Rowland
17. Ineffectually as a firefly in Hell —Stephen Vincent Benet
18. It [Medicare’s health-care coverage] is like walking around in a bulletproof vest with a hole over the heart —Senator John Heinz, Wall Street Journal, October 15, 1986
19. It’s [everything valued by others] like so much fluff —Anton Chekhov
20. A lot of useless barging around, like a man with his sleeve in a thresher —Richard Ford
21. Making lists is like taking too many notes at school; you feel you’ve achieved something when you haven’t —Dodie Smith
22. Pointless … like you’d give caviar to an elephant —William Faulkner
23. (Educating you would be about as) redundant as teaching a lion to like red meat —line from movie Victor-Victoria, spoken by Julie Andrews
24. Sending a teacher into a classroom with no cane is like sending a boxer into the ring with one hand tied behind his back —Philip Squire
25. Some men are like a clock on a roof … useful only to the neighbors —Austin O’Malley
26. Some people are like wheelbarrows, only useful when pushed, and very easily upset —Jack Hebert
27. Unhelpful … like someone running round with black-currant lozenges to the victims of an earthquake —Josephine Tey
28. Unnecessary as another designer label —Anon
29. Useful as a bale of hay in a garage —Anon
30. Useful as a bicyle without tires —Anon
31. Useful as a buttonhole without buttons —Anon
32. Useful as a comb to a bald man —Anon
33. Useful as a defective parachute —Anon
34. Useful as an annuity —Anon
35. Useful as an umbrella to a fish —Anon
36. Useful as a pocket with a big hole in it —Anon
37. Useful as a sixth finger —Anon
38. Useful as a Swiss army knife —Anon
39. Useful as a thermometer or a scale without markings —Anon
40. Useful as a third nostril —Peter Benchley
41. Useful as hayfever when the pollen count is high —Mike Fredman
42. Useful as information trying to convey the locality and intentions of a cloud —Joseph Conrad
43. Useful as teats on a boar hog —American colloquialism
44. Useful as the marketable skill mom told you to acquire —Anon
45. Useless as a bell that doesn’t ring —Anon
46. Useless as putting a bandaid on a gunshot wound —Anon
47. Useless as a broken feather —Anon
48. Useless as a bump on a log —Anon

    A variation on this familiar simile from The Last Good Kiss by James Crumley: “Stood around like a knot on a log.”

49. Useless as a car without gasoline —Anon
50. Useless as a glass eye at a keyhole —Louis Monta Bell
51. Useless … as a half-built bridge —William H. Hallhan
52. Useless as an expectant lover —Ellen Glasgow
53. Useless as a single glove —Anon
54. Useless as a torn sock —Marianne Hauser
55. Useless as a twisted arm —Desmond O’Grady
56. Useless as Ronald Reagan’s right ear —Joseph Wambaugh
57. Useless … like buying an air conditioner for a building without electricity —Anon
58. Useless … like the cow that gives a good pail of milk, and then kicks it over —H. G. Bohn’s Handbook of Proverbs